What to Do If Your Partner Has BDSM Tendencies

What to Do If Your Partner Has BDSM Tendencies

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He engages in BDSM role play, giving commands and using derogatory language, which I find very hard to accept. In BDSM, what does the partner really need?

Dear 2bois.com

I recently started dating a man with 7-8 years of experience in BDSM. He is very busy with work, is career-oriented, a Scorpio, and has a strong leadership style with high control and possessiveness. He is strict with himself, has OCD, and is a high achiever.

In the first couple of weeks, we communicated frequently on WeChat, and our conversations were great, with aligned values. I thought he might be the one. During this time, he mentioned his interest in scenes from "Fifty Shades of Grey" and his liking for BDSM. I had no experience in this area, but thought I could handle mild BDSM as a part of romance, which he appreciated.

When we met, he was two years older than me, born in 1983, and expressed his interests very directly. That afternoon, we engaged in some intimate activities, and I felt somewhat coerced into oral sex. I ended up feeling sick and vomiting, which made him appear anxious and guilty, while I felt wronged.

After we parted ways (we are in a long-distance relationship), I went on a business trip for nearly two weeks. During this time, he started making some surprising sexual suggestions and comments. Later, he began engaging in BDSM role play, giving commands and using derogatory language, which I found very hard to accept. He also invited me to watch adult films with him over video calls and asked about my preferences.

When I repeatedly expressed my discomfort, he initially admitted fault but later seemed to forget, reverting to his old ways, even becoming more excessive, completely ignoring my feelings. For example, he would suddenly say things like "I want to f*** you," "Show me your p****," "Call me daddy," etc. However, he didn't allow me to use such language towards him and claimed I was too proud when I refused to say certain things.

My resistance made him feel that I wasn't completely submissive to him, that I hadn't given him my body and soul. But I felt he hadn't treated me well, not even willing to visit my city when I was sick. Why should I give myself to someone I can't trust?

I want to know what he really thinks in this relationship. I'm somewhat reluctant because I had feelings for him initially. In BDSM, what does the partner really need? I'm confused.

If I want to salvage this relationship, what should I do?

Thank you!

M



In BDSM, what does the partner really need? How can I salvage this relationship?

From your description of his dominant personality traits and his long history with BDSM, using "Fifty Shades of Grey" as an example, it's clear you don't fully understand BDSM. However, I believe he may not understand it better than you do. Why question someone with years of BDSM experience? I'll help analyze this from your description.

You're right; for some, BDSM is merely a romantic interest and should not cross into daily life. It's like a game with rules that everyone follows, and once the game ends, these roles stop. Just like when we played house as kids, acting as parents or children, but when the school bell rang, those roles disappeared.

For others, this power dynamic is part of life. The BDSM community has a term called 24-7, meaning their play never stops. This might include daily greetings between partners and other rituals integrated into life, or one partner taking on household chores and accepting humiliation. But 24-7 is also a rule, and how to play or stop requires mutual consent.

You mentioned "mild BDSM," but due to the diversity of BDSM culture, it's hard to discuss the severity without analyzing what you can and cannot accept. Some enjoy pain (not endure it), can be whipped until they're bleeding but can't stand a single curse word. Others enjoy verbal humiliation but will stop with a light touch.

For many, BDSM isn't even about sex; it's about a spiritual experience, using submission, bondage, restraint, and humiliation to reach a meditative state of mental bliss.

BDSM culture is diverse; for some, it's merely romantic interest and should not cross into daily life.

Given the diversity in BDSM, don't be quick to say you can't accept his BDSM tendencies. It's actually your communication styles that don't align. Why do I say this?



"I felt somewhat coerced into oral sex. I ended up feeling sick and vomiting, which made him appear anxious and guilty, while I felt wronged."

You said you "felt somewhat coerced into oral sex." Perhaps you weren't entirely sure if it was coercion; maybe you wanted to try it, so you said "somewhat coerced"? What exactly made you uncomfortable? Was it the coercion or the act itself? Was it the physical reaction to the semen in your mouth? The humiliation? The cultural significance of oral sex, like thinking "it's gross to have it in my mouth"? Or was it that he fulfilled his need without consulting you, disregarding your feelings?

Similarly, "wronged" encompasses all your complex emotions. Feeling wronged is our reaction to injustice, essentially asking, "Why should I?" Complete the sentence: I feel wronged because ____. Was it unfair that he didn't consider your feelings? Or did you judge yourself through others' eyes, feeling like a humiliated person, thus feeling unfairly treated?



"He started making some surprising sexual suggestions and comments."

Is "expressing likes very directly" your preferred way of communication? If not, what is? Or if you're just not used to it, are you willing to gradually adapt or even like it? If neither, that's okay too. In a relationship, both parties can't always compromise. Even if you can't mutually compromise, you can still part amicably.

Long-distance relationships might also be a factor; you can't hug, touch, or make love, so he can't express his desire and love through physical means, resorting to direct language instead. Is it more acceptable for him to tease you with explicit language than to ignore you and satisfy his desires elsewhere?

In relationships, affection includes sexual desire (asexuality aside). For some, expressing desire verbally is important; for others, sex doesn't need to be verbalized. They might prefer subtle hints or unspoken intimacy. Once verbalized, it breaks the atmosphere and the dream of sex and love. Neither expression is right or wrong.

In fact, it's your communication styles that don't align, not his BDSM tendencies.


"He even started engaging in BDSM role play, giving commands and using derogatory language, which I found very hard to accept."

Role play, commands, and derogatory language might be his way of achieving sexual satisfaction, meaning he might need this fantasy to satisfy himself. However, this doesn't mean he can treat you as an object of humiliation in daily life (unless you both agree to a 24-7 dynamic, even then, it's a game with safe words to stop). There's also a possibility he sees dominating and humiliating you as his right, only to satisfy his desires. If that's the case, he needs a reality check.



"He invited me to watch adult films with him over video calls and asked about my preferences."

Do you watch adult films yourself, or do you find them distasteful? Adult films come in many forms. Some dislike them because women are objectified and used as toys. But some women enjoy being objectified, wanting to be seen purely as sexual needs. There's no right or wrong. There are also more romantic and gentle adult films, and some men like being used as sexual objects or toys. Choosing what you like from various genres can teach you new things and inspire you. Of course, if you refuse to watch them, that's also valid.

I see his invitation to watch adult films and ask about your preferences as an attempt to communicate, even if the approach is currently rough. If you want sexual contact in your relationship and desire his body, you need to let him know your sexual preferences, and discussing adult films can be a good way. Tell him whether you like them, what types you prefer, whether you like watching together or alone, and discuss what you enjoy about the films and why. You don't need to rush to provide answers.

If you want sexual contact in your relationship, you need to let him know your sexual preferences, and discussing adult films is a good way.


"When I repeatedly expressed my discomfort, he initially admitted fault but later seemed to forget, reverting to his old ways, even becoming more excessive, completely ignoring my feelings."

You communicated your discomfort to him; he admitted fault, appreciated your willingness to try mild BDSM, and felt guilty about coercing you into oral sex. These show he doesn't completely disregard your feelings, but it might not be enough for you.

For you, these apologies, gratitude, and guilt shouldn't just be post-event statements; they should be reflected in discussing things with you beforehand and addressing your dissatisfaction during the process. If he admits fault but reverts to his old ways and doesn't change for you, that guilt is too shallow, more like a perfunctory gesture, and he might even forget and become more excessive. So, you can be more specific about what would make you more comfortable and how he can show respect and care for you without ignoring your feelings.



"For example, he'd suddenly say things like 'I want to f*** you,' 'Show me your p****,' 'Call me daddy,' etc. But he didn't allow me to use such language towards him and claimed I was too proud when I refused to say certain things."

These phrases mean different things to different people. For some with fantasies of abuse or even rape, they could be endearing. For others, they might be verbal abuse. What kind of endearments do you want to hear and are willing to say? This has nothing to do with whether you're too proud or not. "I really want you," "Show me your wetness," "Call me darling," might be more acceptable to you. Maybe calling each other "mommy" excites both of you more?



"My resistance made him feel that I wasn't completely submissive to him, that I hadn't given him my body and soul."

In BDSM, all power dynamics, humiliation, and punishment must be based on mutual care and respect. I said he doesn't understand BDSM because of his feedback to you. Here, the dominant doesn't necessarily have all the power, and the submissive isn't unconditionally obedient. Many in the BDSM community say the submissive holds all the power in a relationship, as even the dominant's power is granted by the submissive—"I allow you to humiliate me, but only in ways I like, and only when it brings me pleasure." What the dominant can and can't do is mutually decided, with the submissive playing a crucial role. If the submissive disagrees but the dominant continues, it becomes assault, a criminal act.

He should be grateful to you because you initially agreed to mild BDSM for fun, which was your verbal consent and your granting him the power to be dominant. But this doesn't mean you belong to him entirely. You can choose to withdraw his power at any time, and he must respect that.

In BDSM, all power dynamics, humiliation, and punishment must be based on mutual care and respect.


"But I feel he hasn't treated me well, not even willing to visit my city when I'm sick. Why should I give myself to someone I can't trust?"

You need to tell him what you need when you're sick, how he can reassure you if he can't visit your city, and how he can earn your trust. You want him to treat you well, visit your city, and be there when you're sick—these are needs beyond sex. Care and mutual needs in a relationship can't be limited to sex. Otherwise, he just wants a casual partner to satisfy his desires without meeting your emotional and life needs. Even if it's just casual, he can't only satisfy his desires; he must also meet your needs for both to enjoy the relationship. In life, complete selfishness can't build a partnership.


"I want to know what he really thinks in this relationship. In BDSM, what does the partner really need?"

If you want to know what he thinks and needs, why not ask him? You mentioned that you initially had great conversations and aligned values, indicating you can communicate. Make sex and emotions part of your conversation. Don't feel you must be the one to change and follow him because he's dominant, or that you must listen to him in BDSM because of his experience. No one is a master of life, nor is anyone a BDSM master; it all depends on what you both like.

 

"If I want to salvage this relationship, what should I do?"

Communicate with him, focusing on your relationship, not just the BDSM template. After talking, understanding his thoughts, you'll know if the relationship is worth saving, and if so, what contributions both need to make. Attributing issues to BDSM seems simple, but BDSM isn't everything about him, and he can't represent BDSM culture.

BDSM has already borne too much prejudice; don't let it become the scapegoat in your relationship. Ultimately, asking what to do if a partner has BDSM tendencies is like asking what to do if a partner prefers Western cuisine. If it were you, what would you suggest?

Content authorized by LoveMatters (https://matters.love)

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